Nurturing Secure Attachment: The Key to Your Baby’s Brain Development and Long-Term Mental Health
Becoming a parent is one of the most profound experiences in life. As you prepare for or begin your journey into parenthood, you may find yourself flooded with information about how to care for your baby. Among the many tips and guidelines, one concept stands out as the cornerstone of your child’s well-being: attachment.
Attachment styles are something I touch on during my Bub Savvy workshops, so I thought I would write a blog explaining them in a bit more detail.
As new parents, understanding how to build a secure attachment with your baby is one of the most profound and impactful things you can do.
There is no such thing as a bad attachment style. They are all brilliant adaptations to help a child survive. However, as we get older, they can hold us back.
It is also important to know that there is an attachment continuum that we are ALL on, and you can change attachment styles with new experiences and relationships. So if you start worrying about your attachment style as you read this, know that, as a new parent, your brain is very neuroplastic and you have an amazing opportunity, right now, to change your attachment style.
You will benefit as you create a secure attachment for your baby.
What is Attachment Theory?
Attachment Theory is all about the special bond between you and your baby. Developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, this theory highlights how the emotional connection you build with your little one can shape their emotional health, social skills, and ability to handle stress as they grow.
When you respond to your baby’s needs with warmth, love, and consistency, you’re creating a secure attachment. This secure bond makes your baby feel safe and understood, giving them the confidence to explore the world, knowing they can always come back to you for comfort and support.
How This Differs from Other Parenting Approaches
For many years, the common advice to parents was to encourage early independence. You might still hear people say that you should teach your baby to self-soothe, sleep alone, or not “spoil” them with too much attention. These ideas come from a time when parents were encouraged to focus on raising independent children as quickly as possible, often without understanding the importance of emotional closeness.
But Attachment Theory shows us that true independence comes from a strong, secure bond with you. Instead of pushing your baby to be independent too soon, it’s about responding to their needs, comforting them when they’re upset, and being there for them consistently. This doesn’t just help them feel secure—it actually helps them grow into confident, self-reliant individuals as they get older.
In short, while old-school parenting advice might emphasise independence and self-soothing, Attachment Theory reminds us that what babies really need is a close, loving connection with their caregivers. By focusing on this bond, you’re setting your child up for a lifetime of emotional health and well-being.
Attachment is the deep, emotional bond that forms between a baby and their primary carer, typically the parent. This bond is not just about providing love and comfort; it is the foundation of your baby’s brain development and mental health. In the first 1000 days of life, your baby’s brain is growing at an incredible rate, making connections that will shape how they think, feel, and interact with the world for the rest of their lives.
4 Attachment Styles
There are four primary attachment styles that children develop based on their early interactions with carers:
- Secure Attachment: Babies with secure attachment feel safe and understood. They know that when they need something—whether it’s comfort, food, or reassurance—you will be there for them. This secure base allows them to explore the world with confidence, knowing they can always return to you when they need support.
- Anxious Attachment: This style develops when a baby experiences inconsistent responses from their carer. Sometimes their needs are met, and other times they are ignored. This unpredictability can lead to anxiety and clinginess as the child becomes uncertain whether their carer will be there for them.
- Avoidant Attachment: Babies with avoidant attachment have learned that their carer is not emotionally available. As a result, they may become emotionally distant, suppressing their need for closeness because they have learned it is unlikely to be met.
- Disorganised Attachment: This style often arises in situations of trauma or extreme inconsistency. Babies with disorganised attachment experience a mix of anxiety and confusion, as their carer may be both a source of comfort and fear.
Fostering a Secure Attachment
As an expectant or new parent, your goal is to foster a secure attachment with your baby. Here’s how you can create that deep, loving connection:
- Be Present: Your baby doesn’t need you to be perfect; they need you to be present. This means being attentive to their cues and responding to their needs with warmth and care. When your baby cries, they are communicating with you. By comforting them, you are building trust.
- Embrace Co-Sleeping Safely: James McKenna’s research emphasises the benefits of safe co-sleeping for attachment and breastfeeding. Co-sleeping allows for immediate response to your baby’s needs, fostering a strong bond. If you choose to co-sleep, be sure to follow guidelines for safe sleep environments.
- Respond with Empathy: When your baby is upset, try to see the world from their perspective. Responding with empathy not only soothes them but also teaches them that their emotions are valid and understood.
- Promote Exploration: Encourage your baby to explore their surroundings while providing a safe base to return to. This balance of independence and security supports healthy brain development, allowing children to learn through exploration while feeling supported.
- Mindful Parenting: Being aware of your own emotions and reactions can help you respond more effectively to your baby. When you are calm and centred, you create a soothing environment that your baby can mirror.
Insights on Attachment
Dr. Gabor Maté emphasises the importance of understanding our own attachment histories to better connect with our children. He suggests that our unresolved emotional issues can influence how we respond to our baby’s needs. By becoming aware of these patterns, we can break cycles and create healthier attachment experiences for our children.
In his book “The Myth of Normal,” he also talks about how, when faced with the decision between being our authentic selves or attachment, attachment always wins. We are born being ourselves, but we learn how to behave for our parents and carers to look after us. A lot of modern parenting advice involves teaching babies that they only get looked after if they are “good” and that care is withdrawn from them if they don’t behave in the way our culture expects… like sleeping through the night 🙁
Understanding and fostering secure attachment is a vital part of parenting. Creating a nurturing environment that supports our children’s emotional and psychological well-being. Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about being present, responsive, and attuned to your baby’s needs. Your efforts in building a secure attachment will lay a strong foundation for your child’s future.
By embracing this, you are not only enhancing your child’s development but also nurturing a lifelong bond built on trust, security, and love, while improving your own attachment style and, therefore, your mental well-being.
Transforming Your Own Attachment Style
As you focus on fostering a secure attachment with your baby, you may notice that some of your own attachment patterns don’t align with what you hope to create for your child. Perhaps you recognise your own tendencies from your past, such as anxiety, avoidance, or difficulty trusting others, which isn’t surprising given that, for the last 100 years or so, the dominant message to parents has been to encourage early independence in babies, often at the expense of nurturing close, responsive bonds. (This is something I expand on in my Bub Savvy Workshop and my Baby Sleep Masterclass)
The good news is that your brain is neuroplastic, meaning it has the ability to change and adapt—even as an adult.
By actively working on developing a secure attachment with your baby, you’re not only shaping their emotional landscape but also rewiring your own brain for healthier relationships. As you consistently respond to your baby’s needs with love, empathy, and presence, you are creating new neural pathways in your own brain that can help you shift toward a more secure attachment style yourself.
This process of mutual healing and growth underscores the incredible power of the parent-child bond. Your journey as a parent offers a unique opportunity to not only nurture your baby’s development but also to transform your own emotional well-being. By embracing this opportunity, you are fostering a deep, loving connection that will benefit both you and your child for years to come.
The Long-Term Impact
The attachment style your baby develops will influence their mental health, relationships, and overall well-being throughout their life. A secure attachment fosters resilience, emotional intelligence, and the ability to form healthy relationships. On the other hand, insecure attachment can lead to challenges with trust, self-esteem, and emotional regulation.
By focusing on building a secure attachment, you are not only nurturing your baby’s brain during these critical first 1000 days but also laying the groundwork for their future happiness and success.
Trust Your Instincts
Parenthood comes with its challenges, but it’s important to trust your instincts. You are your baby’s first and most important teacher, and the love and care you provide are the most powerful tools in fostering a secure attachment. Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about being there, being responsive, and being loving.
As you embark on this incredible journey, know that every moment you spend nurturing your baby’s attachment is an investment in their lifelong well-being—and in your own. Embrace the small moments, listen to your baby’s cues, and trust that you are exactly the parent they need.
LEARN MORE
If you would like to learn more about the attachment research, here are a couple of videos.
The Strange Situation
Watch the child display that shows she is securely attached to her mother.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTsewNrHUHU
Tronick’s Still Face Experiment
This video highlights a baby’s need for attunement.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1Jw0-LExyc
The Attachment Theory: How Childhood Affects Life
This short video shows the four different attachment types (Secure, Insecure Avoidant, Insecure Anxious/ambivalent, and Disorganised) and how they might present in adult life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjOowWxOXCg
